


To the 'Me' of that Day:

by Sugar_and_Salt



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Depression, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Polyamory, Romance, Slice of Life, Spirits, Suicidal Thoughts, slightest mentions of bullying, very slight mentions of racism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-21
Updated: 2018-09-21
Packaged: 2019-06-15 12:38:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,815
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15413082
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sugar_and_Salt/pseuds/Sugar_and_Salt
Summary: Every day, he wakes up in another person's body. And all of them could need some assistance.





	To the 'Me' of that Day:

**Author's Note:**

> to the prompter: We prompted really similar prompts, so when I saw yours, I felt compelled to take it and make it happen! High-five for sharing this fun idea! :D  
> I know the tags seem super dark, but this is ultimately supposed to be an uplifting type of story. If anyone feels anything while reading this, it would make me very happy. Thanks to the mods, the prompters, the writers and the readers for making this fest happen every year without fail <3
> 
> p.s.: I'm sorry for the awkward pictures, but there was simply no way to get a font colored on ao3 ._.  
> if the pictures are lost, let me know and I'll try to fix it! I kept them grey to suit both bright and dark layouts, sorry for any inconvenience!

Chen opened his eyes, and saw white walls. Slim strips of morning light and the faint, bitter taste of disinfectant, that's what Zhang Yixing's life currently consisted of.

He tried to sit up, felt a sharp pain and thought better of it. He then closed his eyes, scouring the memories of Zhang Yixing, the dancer. Memories fluttered past like they were his own. Memories of the practice room, the practice room, the practice room.

Memories of pain, more pain, unbearable pain- and a hospital.

Chen pouted. He could feel the memory of frustration, too. Yixing wanted to be back in the practice room. There was this certain move he hadn't gotten down quite right yet.

Chen pouted some more, because being stuck in this bed really wasn't any fun. What was he to do all day?

_What would make Yixing happy, other than dancing?_

He thought about it, going through his memories some more with furrowed brows and fingers tapping against the bedsheet.

Then he had an idea and lit up.

He reached for the phone on the nightstand, Yixing's phone, unlocked it, and quickly began to type away.

The entire day was spent in bed, giving his body time to calm down. It was also spent by sending message upon message, to his loving mother, worried grandparents, sister, old friends, colleagues from the studio. Chen texted everyone, shared what he was up to, messaged back and forth a bit, and when he dozed off in the late afternoon, it had been a short, but successful day.

 

The next day, Zhang Yixing woke up to a dozen unread messages. He remembered sending the messages, because he had - he just didn't remember Chen, the enthusiastic soul orchestrating everything.

While reading them all, seeing the photos and videos his family had shared with him, all the kind wishes and gentle words, all the worries about him working too hard, he cried a bit. He had felt terribly lonely during the past few months, and pushing his body too far was not going to fill that gap. He still wanted to improve, but he could only do so when his body was fully healed, so instead of running off, like he had done before, Yixing stayed in bed that day. Which was good, because that way, he got to meet one of his old friends, who stopped by the hospital later, with flowers and sweets.

Yixing didn't remember Chen. But he did remember the positive feelings, and carried them in his heart for a long time after that.

 

* * *

 

Chen opened his eyes and felt great. He always felt great, but it was a rare occurence that his body also felt great - but Oh Sehun was still young, only recently turned twenty, and he was healthy from top to bottom.

He jumped out of bed, got ready for a lecture he had at ten, and tried to figure out what might be so troubling to Oh Sehun that it had called for Chen. Chen only appeared when people needed him, so there had to be something troubling Sehun.

He found out a while later, when he received a text by his best friend Jongin, telling him how he had overslept and would be late. His heart beat a bit faster, disappointment spread across his chest - Sehun had wanted to take him out to a cup of coffee before the lecture. He'd wanted to treat him, too.

Sehun really, really liked Jongin, and was desperate to spend time with him. But not too much time, not enough to maybe give away that he liked him. Chen paused in the middle of the sidewalk, just for a second, as he tried to make sense of this. He reached out, back into the past and Sehun's mind, until he felt the prickling of fear and embarrassment. Ah, so he was scared Jongin would be disgusted by him, that he was put off not only by boys, but especially by a close friend having lewd thoughts about him. He was scared that Jongin would regret their friendship.

Chen hummed a song to himself on the way to the campus. He still bought two beverages from the nearby café, a mixed juice for himself and an overly sweet coffee for Jongin.

He paid attention during the lecture, and watched Jongin's face very closely when he slid into the seat next to him, seeing the coffee and the smiley face Sehun had drawn on it. Jongin lit up, and after a second of hesitation, thanked Sehun very nicely. Chen liked it. He liked to see happy expressions on people.

He waited until after their last shared lecture was over before casually inviting Jongin out. Going to the cinema, maybe getting a few books, visiting the bookstore Jongin liked?

Jongin agreed readily and it was hard to tell whether Jongin would think of it as a date. That would all depend on Sehun and how he handled the opportunity that Chen had tossed him.

 

Another day passed, and Chen closed his eyes with a smile, looking forward to meeting whoever needed him.

 

* * *

 

Chen opened his eyes and felt tired. It was a special kind of tiredness, a rather subtle and inconspicuous one that grew more and more heavy the more attention you paid to it. It was all-too familiar of a feeling because Jongdae was his anchor. Jongdae had been the only one actively calling out for help, and Chen had followed the feeble cry one day. Ever since then, Chen had met all sorts of people living around Jongdae, but eventually, he'd always return to him. Chen appeared as long as people needed him - some he only met once and never again. Jongdae still needed him though, even after many days spent together, and Chen was happy to help.

He got out of bed and did the most important thing first: he drew open the curtains, allowing the golden sunlight to flood the room and shine on the dust particles scurrying through the air like an exceptionally tiny and soft snow storm. Then he got dressed in comfy but clean clothes, put on some nice music and started to clean. Jongdae had a lot of nice music and even more memories of listening to it. It gave his body an amount of energy that was needed for scrubbing windowsills and sorting out dirty laundry. Chen put everything back into its place, did the dishes and even mopped the floors. By the time noon rolled around, he was done and ready to go to work. The underlying tiredness was still there, and a little bothersome if Chen was completely honest, but he pushed it down and went to work, anyway, arriving a little early so he could buy himself a smoothie before it was his time to stand behind the counter. He buzzed around from left to right, the bands of his apron all but flying after him as he prepared drinks, scrubbed down tables and mopped up spilled drinks, all while wearing a bright smile. Chen was truly happy - being challenged and busy was just what he loved.

"You seem a little down today, are you alright?"

Chen was used to these kind of statements from his co-workers by now. He could tell them that whatever they saw Jongdae doing, it had nothing to do with being happy and that this was the way genuine happiness looked like on his face. But that wasn't his place, and so he just said, "No, I'm feeling great!"

If they were any more observant, they'd see Chen in Jongdae's eyes - they'd see the vague, green shimmer of Chen's eyes that just carried on to whoever he was with. But they weren't that observant. To be fair, hardly anyone was.

The rest of the day wasn't very exciting either - he stopped by the grocery store on the way back, and didn't buy a single package of instant food. He changed the bedsheets, took an early shower, cleaned himself thoroughly, and finally settled to bed with one of the no-longer dusty books on his nightstand, since it was still early and his body was thrumming with the day's happenings, refusing to settle down just yet. After almost two hours of reading, he felt his eyelids starting to grow heavy and he placed the book aside to go to sleep.

It really wasn't an exciting day, but it was just what Jongdae needed to feel accomplished and energized the next day. It was just what he needed to keep going.

 

* * *

 

 

The next day, Chen opened his eyes and was greeted by a messy bedroom. It was alright though; Jongin was a messy person and didn't feel bad about the room. He didn't have to search through his memories at all, for Sehun was plastered right on top of everything. It reminded Chen of the meetup in the city, the bookstore, and apparently, Sehun had taken the chance and had confessed to Jongin that he liked boys. It wasn't a love confession, per sé - in fact, Sehun had done a great job at making this information look out of context, when it was very obvious that he was testing Jongin's reaction to this information.

But Jongin knew what was going on, had had a very accurate idea all along, even though he acted like he was clueless. Why was that though?

It wasn't immediately obvious, as Jongin's mind was rather cluttered, so Chen just started the day normally, waiting for it to come to him.

Clueless or not, Jongin had assured him that there was nothing wrong with liking whoever he wanted to like, so that should help ease Sehun's anxiety a bit. But this day wasn't about Sehun, it was about Jongin, who seemed very determined to do well in his studies, and to dance even more, and to be a nice person. He was so eager for all that that it took Chen a bit to realize that that was his problem - Jongin didn't think he was good enough. He had good grades, but feared they might not be enough to land a nice job. He was an excellent dancer, yet he was constantly terrified of losing his abilities. He tried to be an all around good person, yet it wasn't enough to make many friends. He tried so hard, yet he wasn't enough for someone like Sehun.

There were many confusing thoughts stacking up inside Jongin's head - whether he might want to approach Sehun after a certain dance recital, to maybe impress him and make _himself_ worthwhile for Sehun.

Chen was a simple person, and he was getting a headache from delving too deep into Jongin's mind, so he just stopped. He simply went to university, shared his breakfast with Sehun and sat in the lectures. Now Jongin could easily solve the assignments, but Chen couldn't, at least not without extensively raiding Jongin’s memory, which he didn’t feel like. So he didn't.

"Are you alright?" Sehun asked when they sat in the library, with Chen just staring at his empty sheet.

"I don't know how to do this," he truthfully said, and the worry on Sehun's face morphed into something like friendly intrigue.

"Really? I feel like it was you who taught me how to do this. Are you testing me?"

Chen shook his head.

"No. It's silly that I can't do it, right? I should be able to do this."

At this, Sehun's eyes widened. They shined with worry for Jongin. Sehun knew that he was sensitive when it came to these things.

"No, not at all," he assured Jongin, "I get things wrong all the time, and you don't tell me I'm silly. You don't secretly think I'm stupid, do you?" he added as an afterthought, sounding embarrassed already, and Chen decidedly shook his head.

"I don't think that. Ever," he said, and it was nothing but the truth.

Sehun scooted a little closer to him, until he couldn't really watch his face without it being intimate, and with a hand around the back of Jongin's chair, Sehun began to explain the exercise. All that fancy talk about numbers that weren't there made Chen a bit sleepy, so he rested his head on Sehun's shoulder. It would surely be alright, Jongin could take it from there.

 

* * *

 

 

Chen opened his eyes, and felt sick. Not the aggressive or, god forbid, terminal kind of sickness that's rooted deep inside your body. It was more of an overall uncomfortable state, with pounding nausea, exhaustion and blood noisily rushing through his ears.

But that was apparently the normal state of Kim Junmyeon, whose alarm had gone off hours before the office even opened.

Chen sat up abruptly, his body protesting in all sorts of ways, and he pressed his lips together. Not because of the pain - pain could hardly touch a spirit like him - but because he felt like he was set up to a big battle this time, a battle led against Kim Junmyeon himself.

He was not going to give in, and he'd show Junmyeon what he was made of!

 

After that, he took the usual shower, but refused to think about work - a routine that was deeply ingrained into both his body and brain - and instead turned on the radio to sing along to old pop songs. He didn't look over his tasks afterwards, either. Instead, he made himself breakfast - regretfully, he couldn't eat all that much in the morning, and in its current state, Junmyeon's body was refusing most food altogether, but Chen would get him there. A little salad later, he packed his things and went to work. The sight of the building alone made Junmyeon's body churn in agony, but Chen wasn't deterred - if anything, he was more determined than before. A peek into Junmyeon's memories told him more about work, work, work, about sitting in dark offices and waiting until he was alone in the bathroom to empty out the meagre contents of his stomach. So much work, so little time. He couldn't afford breaks, he forgot to eat, and there were more and more tasks piling up-

Chen flopped down into his office chair, shooting a dubious look at the scattered sheets of paper that called for his attention, as if they were all enemies threatening him.

He took a deep gulp of water, aiming to empty at least this bottle before noon, and began his work. With the help of Junmyeon's memories, he had quickly sorted the different tasks. Junmyeon's mind was routinely calculating how much he could get done already, but Chen ignored him in favour of calling up a meeting. Meetings in offices were generally boring - both Junmyeon and Chen knew that - so he ordered some snacks to go along with it. During that meeting, he did something Junmyeon would have never done - he wrote down all the various active tasks and projects, admitting to just how ridiculously many they were in number. And then he distributed them - asked who would like to work on which task, asked people he knew were skilled in particular areas he needed them in. Some weren't confident, so he boosted their confidence, teamed them up and offered to help.

It would be hard work to assist everyone, but it would be less work than doing everything by himself. To be quite honest, Chen knew that Junmyeon would be unhappy about what he was doing right now. But it was for the best and maybe he would see that in the long run.

When everyone was filing out, one woman stayed behind, looking a little frazzled and nervous, but also happy.

"I'm sorry in advance if I ask too many questions - I just don't want to mess this up. I will do my best!"

Chen smiled.

"I'm sure you can do it," he encouraged her, feeling her positivity infect him. Chen was always positive, but if he could spread happiness, it made him positively giddy. He felt so good, in fact, that he thought about Jongdae when he was in bed a few hours later. Whenever he felt exceptionally good, he'd think of him. Maybe Chen would have taken his happiness for granted if he didn't know what living Jongdae's life felt like. 

In fact, he was a little worried for Jongdae and it had been a while since he'd last visited him. So he closed his eyes and when Junmyeon fell asleep, Chen's spirit was left floating through the air, without a body, silently wishing for Jongdae to be the next person. He usually went with the flow of the wind, carried by the rosé-colored dust of feelings and wishes, but Jongdae was like an anchor to him. He could always return to Jongdae, who had called him into this world in the first place.

 

* * *

 

Chen opened his eyes and felt stubborn tiredness cling to his muscles. _Good morning, Jongdae_ , he thought, sitting up a little too quickly as usual. On the nightstand, he saw rows and rows of pills and a glass of water. Chen shook his head, grabbed the crackling blister packs and threw them out. To be absolutely sure, he checked the drawer as well, where he found a knife and sanitizer. He frowned and threw those out as well.

Jongdae didn't want to use any of those. There was no reason to have these things lying around, perpetually tempting him.

Since Jongdae was more depressed than usual, Chen decided to treat him extra nicely. He cleaned up the apartment again, but he didn't go overboard. Instead, he left the house way too early and spent some time walking around a nearby district Jongdae rarely ever went to. To be fair, he rarely went anywhere. Chen was on the lookout for nice colors. He stopped at a hand-painted store sign in hues of turquoise and light pink, really let it sink in, tried to paint a picture of the old store in his mind. He tried to feel the atmosphere of the deserted indoor pool in a shopping center, sitting nearby, watching the water reflections ripple as they were patiently waiting for people to get off work and school. He sat down in an elegant ice cream parlor, at an empty table in the far back. Jongdae got these uncomfortable stings around people sometimes, like they were a magnet of an opposite pole, pushing him away, so Chen shielded him from that by listening to music. Eventually, though, he switched off the music, though he didn't put down the headphones. He simply turned off the distracting noise so he could listen to the echo clinging to every sound, to the sharp clacking of shoes against polished stone tiles as the waiters and waitresses swiftly carried colorful ice cream creations over to the tables.

Chen took photos, too, with his expensive phone that Jongdae hardly used for anything. He took all these colorful photos and made a new folder for them, keeping it nameless for now.

It was up to Jongdae what he did with these pictures or how he named them. It was also up to him what to do with these impressions.

Chen treated himself to fancy ice cream and an equally fancy drink that inspired him to try something similar at work later. He really hoped for a chance to try his hands at something new, and when he got a vague order asking for 'just anything sweet, please no pistachio,' he was elated. Orders like these were largely unpopular among the staff, but Chen happily got to work, starting with a caramel frappuccino, but adding hazelnut syrup, chocolate splits and mocha cream, with more sauce to top it off. He scribbled down the name, one of dozens and dozens of familiar names, one of hundreds of names he wrote a day. When he placed it on the tray and met the gaze of his expectant customer, he was surprised to recognize it.

It could have been any other Junmyeon, but it was the exact same Junmyeon Chen had visited a few days earlier, standing there in his orderly pressed suit and looking healthier than ever. He stepped towards the counter to get his drink, but not without throwing it a good look.

"Thanks, this looks really fancy, does it have a name?"

He looked up to meet Chen's gaze, who froze for good.

"You're not Junmyeon," he said, without thinking. For the eyes he was looking into were tinged blue.

Junmyeon looked equally as surprised.

"You're... like me," Chen said, vaguely heard someone nag him to hurry up with his next order, and just waved them off. He had never before met anyone like him. He hadn't even known if there _was_ anyone like him.

"So that was you, a few days ago. I didn't know..." the other began, but then cut himself off in favour of a question that seemed important to him.

"What's your name?"

"Chen. It's Chen."

Junmyeon, no, the spirit smiled, offering his hand.

"I'm Suho, and Junmyeon here is my main protege. You don't need to look after him anymore, I'll do it."

Chen wanted to take his hand, but then hesitated when he realized what he had done. Jongdae would remember. He would remember himself meeting Junmyeon, would remember addressing someone else inside of him, and he would remember Chen. What had he done?

He pulled his hand back, flooded by guilt.

"I- gotta go," he stammered, rushing to the bathroom, leaving his colleagues to worriedly take over. He had never left a body while it was awake but that day, Chen fled, leaving Jongdae to suddenly slip into full conscious, staring at himself in the bathroom mirror, his head full of confusing memories.  
  


* * *

 

Chen was at a loss. That rarely happened, but he'd rarely had to think about himself. Maybe this was what humans felt like, all the time. He wasn't really thinking, allowing Chanyeol’s muscle memory to take over and carry a heavy box of packed juice over to its designated spot, heaving out all the other drinks first to keep them sorted by expiration dates. It gave Chen time to think, which was unfortunate because he grew tired of worrying. It wasn't something he usually did.

Nevertheless, he missed Jongdae, and was worried about how he had taken it. Did he think he was going crazy? Chen felt bad for ripping him into reality like that, forcing him to take over when he himself ran away.

"Park, can you come in tomorrow?"

He blinked away his thoughts and stared into the expectant face of his boss. One might think he was decent enough to look guilty, but Chen could see that he didn't mean it. He didn't even apologize for taking a jab at a free Saturday that had been overdue for months. And he didn't ask anyone else, because Park Chanyeol would always say yes, that underpaid idiot.

Chen put on a regretful expression.

"I already made plans, sorry."

 His boss actually looked taken aback, and Chen was tempted to stick out his tongue at him. It was hard enough as it was already, with Chanyeol's lanky body being worn out to the point that it was actually difficult to move around.

His boss left after a pitiful attempt at convincing him his plans didn't exist (which was kinda true, but Chen wouldn't let him know), and Chen went back to thinking. Not about Jongdae, but about Suho, that mysterious spirit that was just like him. He hadn't seen him again, but...

He felt a little frazzled even thinking about it, but when he went to sleep, when the body he was lended for the day fell asleep and Jongdae allowed his soul to wander off again... he could feel Suho around. He couldn't see him, or talk to him, for they had no bodies of their own. Yet Chen just knew he was there, wrapped around him, warm and comforting, tingling just a little bit. He had never felt anything like this before, and he wanted to communicate with him so badly, but he would never use someone's body to seek him out. That wasn't right.

Could it be that the other spirit was courting him?

In that very second, he cut himself on a box and Chen hissed, slipping back into reality. He took out one of the bandaids the boy was always carrying around and decided to bother some people until he got proper gloves.

Many people Chen met were lacking love for themselves, and while Chanyeol could use a bit of that, his main problem consisted of him feeling lonely, thus opening himself way too far, hoping to find _someone_ to need him, to want him close. The silence of his dark room and the absence of company, or even messages drove him insane. That's why Chen was already planning to get out the old guitar he had seen in his room earlier. To spark an old hobby Chanyeol had liked for what it is. To do something simply because he enjoyed it. _But_ , he thought as he looked at the already soaked band aid that went ignored by one of his co-workers giving him even more tasks to do... _a little more self-respect couldn't hurt._

Like this, the thoughts of Jongdae and Suho were put aside for later. For when Chanyeol would finally fall asleep and Chen would drift around the void, surrounded by a vague, warm tingle.

He really had to check up on Jongdae. He was worried about him.

 

 

Chen opened his eyes and felt tired. There was also an echo of violence lingering - yesterday had been a very bad day for Jongdae, apparently. Sometimes, everything became too much and he would start scratching at his scalp until it burned, or push against his chest or curl in on himself. Intuitively, Chen checked his arms, ran his hands down his own body. He was fine, except for his slightly sore and sensitive skin. Well, that’s good news. Chen got out of bed to brush his teeth and scour Jongdae's memories, anxious about what he might find, regarding himself. Before he could do that, though, he found the piece of paper taped to the bathroom mirror. Jongdae had written something on it with a thick, green pen.

It was undoubtedly Jongdae's handwriting. How long had it been there? How long had Jongdae been waiting for him? Chen wasn't sure whether he felt warm and appreciated, curious or guilty or everything at once. He could go through Jongdae's memory and find out exactly what he was thinking, but it didn't feel right, now that Jongdae knew of his existence. There was just something about the odd reminder not to skip work - Chen had never skipped work before - that made him wonder what Jongdae was up to. He decided to trust him and go in blind. He left after a healthy breakfast and a few exercises Jongdae could use (and would probably still feel the aftershocks off for a few days).

Chen was feeling oddly excited by the time he left for work. No one ever wasted a thought on him, and this was really nice. How selfish of him.

He didn't notice it at first. The coffee shop was already bustling with people when he arrived and got caught up in pouring drinks, drizzling sauce and writing names. It took half of his shift until things calmed down and Chen walked off to wipe tables and collect forgotten lids and empty cups. It was like deja-vû, green on white from the corner of his vision. There was another note taped neatly to the wall, the one that was covered in scribbles, sketches and smears of ballpens. It wasn't the only note, but it was the first one to catch his attention. It spelled to the 'me' of that day: in bold writing, every letter having been traced multiple times. Below was another, separate note taped to it.

 

 

With the wet rag uselessly pressed to the table, Chen smiled. It wasn't a reassured, calm type of smile, and more that of a positive surprise. Jongdae wasn't mad at him, he appreciated him, to the point that he tried to convey his gratitude willingly, personally. There were two more notes taped close to the center note both written in blue, albeit different shades. The more vibrant one read:

 

 

Even though he was rather sure about this, Chen went through Jongdae's memories. He saw Junmyeon, a lot of Junmyeon, sitting across him in a restaurant, looking engaged, curious, serious. They had met up after that, talking about what they had seen, talked about the foreign memories inside their head. And it seemed like Junmyeon, too, was grateful to them, even if Chen had pushed him to do something he was wary of by making him delegate tasks before he'd actually collapse.

There was no doubt about who had written the last note.

 

 

With a hot face and wriggly feeling inside him, Chen kept wiping the tables, occasionally looking up at the notes to confirm that they were still there. He should leave one of his own, but didn't know what to say. He was thinking about it all the way through the rest of his shift and then stayed around, staring at the wall for much longer. Jongdae would hopefully forgive him for wasting his time like that.

Finally, he got a pen from behind the counter, scrutinizing the possible colors. Junmyeon was blue, Suho was dark blue. Jongdae was green. It only made sense if he found a dark green pen. He actually had to walk to a store to buy a big pack of pens in all colors to get one. Hopefully, that was alright with Jongdae as well. He should leave an apology note on the mirror later.

_To the me of that day..._

In a way, when Chen was in their heads, they were part of him, too, so the little note suited him, too. He taped his note to the side of it, just before the store closed.

 

 

For trying their best in life, but also for trying to reach Chen. He didn't elaborate, but they'd understand. Both of them. After a second of further hesitation, Chen reached up to scribble something beneath Suho's note in small, slightly unsure writing.

 

 

 

* * *

 

Chen would never be so selfish as to use other people's bodies for his own amusement, but Zitao had had a long day, exhausting but successful, facing scornful gazes and hushed whispers. He deserved an iced, fruity drink and a little dessert. After all, he had to remember this day fondly, not just like a rough one.

Jongdae wasn't around to make drinks, but that was alright. Chen hadn't hoped to see him. Armed with a colorful refreshment and a piece of sponge cake, he made his way to the very back of the café. What he _had_ hoped for, though, was to catch a glimpse at the notes pinned to the wall. Just a glimpse, there was nothing wrong with that, he told himself. Zitao wouldn't feel anything out of the ordinary.

 

Chen had prepared himself not to be disappointed if there was no answer yet - it had only been a few days, after all.

There were more notes, though, and Chen completely abandoned the drink to crane his neck and get a closer look at them.

There was a reply from Jongdae, saying I will continue to try hard. Please don't give up on me. It made him feel warm and fuzzy inside. _I won't give up_ , he thought to himself, as if Jongdae could hear him. _Never_.

 

There was also an additional piece of paper clipped to Suho's first note. Chen read them all over again, right from the beginning, because he was indulging himself.

 

 

Now he wished he could add a note, but Zitao would be confused. Chen told himself to be satisfied with what he had and to reply the next time he'd visit Jongdae.

Still, he hoped Suho would take the hint and really actually talk to him. He wanted to be sure about what Suho felt for him, whether he interpreted right what he felt when they had no bodies. Maybe Chen had it all wrong. Probably not, but what if?

 

"Hey, look. There's something stuck to the wall, I wanna see."

 

Chen instinctively ducked his head, because that was Zitao's intial reaction to strangers these days. Especially if they spoke Korean. Chen knew the voice though, and risked a peek at the two young people blocking his sight of the wall.

 

" _To the me of that day_ , huh?" Sehun read, and Jongin hummed. It was silent as they both read the notes, and Chen felt himself heat up a bit in embarrassment.

"That's..." Jongin began, but trailed off, as if he didn't know the most accurate word. Sehun hummed, as if he, too, was thinking about it.

"It's like being thankful to yourself? For doing something good."

"Yeah. You think it's silly?" Jongin asked, and Sehun shook his head.

"Not really. It's odd that we only punish ourselves if we mess up, but hardly appreciate what we did do well, right?"

Jongin hummed again, and it was silent again. Until all of a sudden, Jongin gripped Sehun's arm.

"I wanna write one, too! You got a pen?"

 Chen was surprised, but kept his head down, busying himself with his cake while the two students rummaged through their bags until they found sticky notes and pens.

After some consideration, they taped their own notes to the wall, but Chen couldn't see what they read. From where he sat, he could only see their backs, and the way their fingers shyly intertwined after a while. It felt like a good time to leave, so that's what he did.  
  


* * *

 

 

Chen was scurrying around behind the counter, taking orders and making them right after, caught up in a flurry of unexpected customers on a Thursday morning. He'd feel bad for visiting Jongdae too often, even if the other was welcoming it. Whenever Chen woke up in Jongdae's room, he'd find a note at the mirror for each day he'd missed. Nowadays, Jongdae even pulled up the curtains, or did the dishes, just in case Chen would come around.

Chen really tried not to take away too many days from Jongdae, but he couldn't deny how much he looked forward to the notes on the mirror. Some were written in easy, confident strokes, always in the same shade of green.

 

 

Some were less like those and more shaky, pen firmly pushed into the paper to hang on to the letters.

 

Some were unexpected.

 

 

Chen replied to every single one of them. Sometimes, this made him late for work, but he could just hurry - Jongdae's body had a bit more energy these days, he could take it.

For the first time ever, Chen felt a bit possessive over someone. The idea of Jongdae becoming happy with Junmyeon, not needing him anymore, stung a bit. Which was awful, oh how Chen chided and scolded himself for feeling that way. He really was the worst, he should not be thinking anything this selfish and self-centered. Not to mention that he really did like Suho.

Jongdae was right about his notes being cheesy, but Suho didn't seem to have a good way with words. Chen felt the meaning behind them, anyway. He felt them every night, when his presence wrapped around him as they both calmed each other down to rest. It wasn't something humans would understand.

That day, Suho had added a new note to the board.

 

 

 _Even though it's my purpose to give comfort and happiness_. The note didn't say that but again, Chen just knew. Still, reading it like this, so nice and definite, made him happy. Out of all of humanity's inventions, he liked words the most. At this point, there were a lot of notes centered around the first, but his and Suho's conversation had moved away to be its own branch, away from the rest.

 

 

That day, Chanyeol walked inside the café, seeming a little lost and confused, obviously battered by what must have been a rough day. Chen immediately felt bad, remembering the instance when he had been with Chanyeol, making him peek inside the store to catch a fleeting glimpse at the notes. Chanyeol must have remembered.

The tall guy tried to hide even further in his oversized jacket as he hesitantly walked through the store until he found the wall with the pinned notes.

Chen kept an eye on him, almost guarding him from afar, in case anyone gave him trouble. No one seemed to mind him though. No one saw the strange look on his face as he stared at the notes for minutes on end.

 

 

Minutes passed, the unreadable mix of feelings too grand for one body all passing over Chanyeol's face, before he finally started crying. No one seemed to mind him still, and so Chen took it upon himself to let the customers wait and bustle over to him with a free hot chocolate, inviting him to take a seat. Next to the cup, he placed a block of sticky notes and a red marker.

Because this had long ago stopped being just about Chen, and he knew that.

 

* * *

 

 

* * *

 

Chen had never been summoned before. Not consciously, that is. He'd been debating whether or not to go - he felt guilty for Jongdae wasting so many thoughts on him, a non-human being - but in the end, he couldn't deny him.

It was a Sunday, and rather late at that - the café should be closed. He'd been itching to take a look into Jongdae's memories, but he'd promised. And Jongdae hadn't bought any more knives, so he had surely held up on his end of the promise.

The café really was closed, and the lights were turned off. The days had been getting shorter, too, so it was a little too dark to see anything inside. A little clueless, Chen tried the door handle, and it gave way just like that. He took a look around and when he saw nobody paying attention to him, he slipped inside.

"Lock it," a firm, but not unfriendly voice said. Chen complied without questioning it.

"If anyone finds out, Jongdae's probably fired."

He knew this voice. From the inside, it was easy to see the silhouettes of the bar, of chairs being placed on tables, the lightest shimmer reflecting off the wooden panels on the floor.

"Come on, over here."

He looked around to where he suspected the voice came from - the back of the store. It had to be the wall with the notes. Worriedly, Chen walked over, looking out of the window again and again, but no one even glanced inside.

There was indeed someone standing in the shadow right beside the wall of notes.

Chen wasn't afraid, though maybe a bit worried.

"Junmyeon?" he asked, quiet and probing when he was just in front of him.

Junmyeon stepped forward, and in a flash of pale light from outside, Chen saw him smile, all mischievous and gleeful, before he was too close, too close to breathe-

"Stop, wait-" Chen cut him off, keeping him at a distance with hands on his upper arms.

"You're not Junmyeon," Chen stated, for both of them and yet for nobody. They both knew.

"Hi there," Suho said warmly, fingers curling around Chen's without hesitation. Jongdae's fingers.

He pulled them away.

"You can't do that, it's Junmyeon's body-" he began, but Suho was already touching him again, fingers carefully grazing his arm.

"He allowed it."

"But Jongdae-"

"Is fine with it, too. He insisted on keeping it a surprise," Suho explained, hesitation sneaking into the air. "If you don't like this though, that's alright. We didn't mean to pressure you or anything."

Chen grasped his hands, both of them.

"No. No, this is- more amazing than I would have ever imagined. It's- it's hard to grasp that this is happening."

The smile returned to Suho's face, and it was more energetic and warm than anything Chen had seen on Junmyeon's face before. Because this wasn't him.

"Then let's make it believable-"

With that, he leaned in to finally, finally kiss Chen. It was like hearing words you knew, like writing down an indefinite truth, absolute finality and security, and Chen _loved_ it.

He grabbed the other's waist, felt cold fabric under his hands and warmth seeping through the fabric, all while trying to decide whether they wanted to kiss each other deeply or fleetingly, longingly or playfully. He wanted everything, and Suho seemed to share the sentiment.

Just for a moment, just for now, the moment was his and his alone. Suho was kissing him and it felt so sharp and real.

Their lips separated and he saw Suho's head tilt, lips parted and slight worry shimmering in his eyes.

"Everything alright?"

He wiped at the tear gathering in the corner of Chen's eye.

"Yes," Chen whispered, blinking away the blurriness. "I was just thinking of how thankful I am to Jongdae. And to Junmyeon, too."

Suho smiled. His eyes were bright even in the pale light. They were probably of the clearest blue right now.

"Me too. There's something else though."

"What is it?" Chen asked, immediately worried again. He was aware that this moment just couldn't last, which is why he was so unwilling to break touch with Suho, who was reaching for something in the darkness. A flashlight. He flipped it on, offering it to Chen. Slowly, he took it, and knew exactly where to look. Yet he hesitated. The hand around his waist tightened and Chen swallowed his anxiety, pointing it up at the wall of notes. There was no helping the hitch in his breath when he realized just how many notes there were by now. There was a tight ring of notes just around the center, with each being written in their own, respective color.

 

 

 There were a few more, all notes written by people who had been visited by either Chen or Suho. Seeing all of them made him feel warm, a little sad and just... wholesome. Around the core messages, there were a few more notes, and at some point, people had even started to comment on each other's notes. One note by Chanyeol said I'm sorry, and in Kyungsoo’s distinct handwriting, the words Don't say you're sorry. Just say you'll do better tomorrow, were written below. 

"Some of these have nothing to do with me," Chen stated, fingertips running across a note from Luhan, the boy who was fighting himself through life at a foster home. He was thanking his past self for moving out on his own.

"Or me," Suho said, leaning his chin onto Chen's shoulder. "Amazing, isn't it?"

Chen looked at all the notes, at all the thoughts and stories of people encouraging themselves, putting one foot before the other, walking forwards. Bit by bit, step by step.

"Yeah," he said. "That really is amazing."

Suho softly grasped his wrist, directing the ray of light further up, and back at the original note. Something reflected in the light, something he hadn't noticed before, being too absorbed in all the notes. He stepped out of the warm, tingling embrace and reached for the pair of keys that was pinned to the note. One was blue and the other green.

"They're the same keys," Suho explained behind him, as Chen let them sit on his palm, taking in their metallic shine.

"Junmyeon and Jongdae are moving in together."

He whipped around at that, with nothing but genuine surprise on his face.

"Really? That's- that's great. I wouldn't have guessed it, not at all."

Suho crossed his arms and actually chuckled.

"What can I say - Junmyeon is more resolute and determined than both of us put together. But they meant for you to take the keys because the green one is yours. They're our keys, too."

Chen's expression must have betrayed the pure confusion, because Suho's lips tugged into an even wider grin.

"Spirits like us don't really have a use for physical keys, but it's their way of telling us that we're welcome in their home, at any time."

"Really?" Chen asked, stalling time as images of Suho flashed through his mind, the possibility of physically meeting him more than once in his life, of Jongdae being alright with him borrowing his body-

"Really. Jongdae might get upset at me for telling you this, but he was hoping to maybe talk to you, too, one day, face to face. It could work if you approach him as Junmyeon, but you know... we'll see about that when it happens. I think Junmyeon wants to get to know those who are in his body first."

Chen wasn't really comprehending all of this, as there were so many options and possible things awaiting him in the future - _him_ , not any human around him.

"Ah, you shouldn't worry too much. I know Junmyeon will like you. I just know it," Suho said with certainty, and Chen shook his head, staring at the wall of notes as he tried to clear his head.

Finally, he swallowed down the lump in his throat and spoke up with a clear voice.

"Thank you," he said.

"Thank you, Jongdae. Thank you, Junmyeon."

Would they hear him? Would they remember? Maybe. No, surely. Because Chen was saying it with all his might.

Then he turned to Suho, who was looking at him in question, a light smile still painting his face in these warm, beautiful colors.

"Thank you," Chen said, much more quiet, and then leaned in to speak louder, using no words at all. The keys were digging into his palm, and Chen silently apologized to Jongdae for hurting his hand a little. He just couldn't help it.

 

 

The tradition of writing each other notes prevailed - not only in the store, which still saw a steady increase in notes, but also at home. Junmyeon had gotten them a really big pin board, and it was filled to the brim with notes, each written in the customary colors of green, dark green, blue and dark blue.

Jongdae still felt bad sometimes, as did Junmyeon. But they had each other to seek comfort from, and the two spirits that would show up every other day. And the many memories of their past selves that had stayed strong, pushed through and been successful. Not all of them had been delegated by a benevolent spirit. Many times, it had been just them, reaching forward of their own accord, with their own power. Sometimes, a nudge in the right direction was all it took to start walking on your own.

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> so, in a way this is Chen/Jongdae and Suho/Junmyeon and also poly, right? I'll leave that up to your interpretation :D


End file.
